Routine of pleasing him.....

I watched myself go through the motions of wanting to please my husband. Then watch as given a break the motions disappeared. I'm not sure how to prevent myself from falling into patterns again.

I can't feel the spirit while in the motions. I hear all the counsel I've ever received about how sex is healthy in marriage, and we both need it. I feel neutral. So I do it. Then afterwards I feel void and sad that I gave in again. I am not happy, I am not fulfilled.

Then the cycle repeats itself. Usually this cycle is initiated by me not my husband. I initiate the sex, I feel happy,or mildly excited about the idea of sex. But afterwards I regret it. I wonder if it comes of 11+ years of being at his becon call because I believed that it helped ease his addiction. And in the last 2 years I was trying to only do it if I was ok with it. So if I even felt mildly ok with it I would initiate. I am not sure i would recognize what actually wanting sex would look like.

I am thankful that we start counseling this week. So very thankful.