So far it's been a great year!

So far it's been a great year!

I haven't yelled at my kids at all this year, I haven't acted out in my eating disorder, I haven't overspent, I haven't workout yet either.... I should work on that this year :)

After my revelation a couple days ago I have been in a different mode in my head. There has been no draw to make my husband feel better at all. I have had my normal codependent thoughts about making him feel better, but have had no inclination to do anything with the thoughts.

I don't remember if I explained it thoroughly or not. But I'd like to explain it again anyway....  Cuz I can :) cuz if anyone reading gets bored they can always stop reading :) love it!

Anyway

A few days ago after talking to my husband I felt the move to initiate sex. He said he didn't believe I was healthy enough. After some flirting on my part he continued to be firm and I ended with asking if we could just cuddle. He agreed and I went to put on my pjs in my room. Once in my room with the door shut the "cloud" went away. I didn't feel this movement to have sex. I was fine I was fine.  Can I say that again because it hits me hard how strong that feeling was I WAS FINE.  And it kinda floored me. I wasn't aware of being in this "cloud". I call it a cloud because I couldn't see it. I wasn't aware of what I was even doing. (I never came out of my room. I think in my post I said that I was just fine sleeping in my own bed....)

I felt very safe the next morning and shared with my husband how thankful I was that he would support me like that. I expressed how safe it made me feel that even though I couldn't protect myself because I wasn't aware of it being fiction - he protected me. I told him that I didn't figure he could guarantee it all the time but that I appreciated it last night. He commenced to say he couldn't guarantee it, in fact we should leave his room right now.

And I haven't felt the draw to help him since. Help being make him feel better, smooth his feelings, fix things..... Like when he hasn't done what he needs to do I am not picking up the slack.

I have also bought a new book for myself called "codependent no more" and so far she is talking about me to a T. I also bought a fresh copy of the 12 step program and started it fresh last night. I am also reading" he delivered me from bondage" and another book by the Harrison's.

I am happy, and if I let go for a minute I feel terrified at how I am not taking care of my husband. Terror at what will happen, then I regroup, find the spirit and feel immense love for myself again,

This is my year. And it is off to a fabulous start!