I am sooooooo codependent

I am still struggling to feel the spirit. Not as much as I was a few weeks ago, I guess more then anything I feel so much stress I can't feel the spirit as clearly. But when the stress clears I can feel him there. It is nice.

I've thought a lot the last couple days about my feelings toward the other women in group. How they came in and I felt proud of where I was in comparison to them. (Please don't judge me for speaking candidly) I had been in counseling for several years and felt very thankful that I had such a head start on them. But within a few months they pass me. By leaps and bounds.... Today while thinking about it I had this idea come to me, when these woman entered their situation most of them weren't codependent. The codependency I saw was fresh, maybe just a few years.  Some had been there longer, but most it was fairly new the level of codependency.

I have been codependent since I was a young child in an abusive home. My survival depended on making those around me happy. Because if they weren't happy we weren't fed. And there were several children in my family, and I was one of the oldest. I felt very strongly the need to take care of them, I would cover their mistakes, do their chores, lay credit to them that they didn't earn so that the food was there for all of us.

I remember the joy of getting married and I think for a few weeks I wasn't as bad as I was for 15+ years. But when the addiction showed up I took on my role full force again.

So these woman I see come out after a few months roaring like lions!  They were strong responsible woman I believe before the addiction, or if they were codependent it wasn't to the depth mine is. They had memories of taking care of themselves. Most of them have family support. My family turned their backs on me when I reached out for help, his family let me know they thought I was
wrong, and went so far as to let me know they believed it was my fault. That if I didn't have so many "issues" from my abusive childhood he never would have continued in his addiction after marriage.

Then there are the woman I see who struggle as long and hard as me. Have you read twilight? The last book where Bella has to find the edge of her talent? And she struggles to find it so she can stretch it and control it?  I have never felt the edge, I am not even sure what I am looking for. This is terrifying for me. My survival has been dependant on being codependent. It has been my addiction, my companion. I survived by always monitoring other people's moods.

I knew I was codependent. I had no idea it was this bad. And it scares me. I cave so easily.

Thankfully, I have counseling tomorrow :)  and I keep praying God will inspire her as to what to say to help me find the edges of this talent - for in God our weaknesses can become our strengths.
Goodnight,