I am not sure who to send this to, but I have felt strongly this morning that this letter needs written.
My husband has an addiction to pornography. I have received the impression several times to seperate, if not divorce him. As of yet I have also felt peace that God will support me while still live together.
Several months ago when my husband and I were visiting with our stake president I was counseled to be more tolerant. This was in regards to me saying he needed to ask before touching me. I explained that this Boundary had nothing to do with my hands, shoulders, waist, or face, it had to do with him. Touching me in intimate places, any time he wanted. The stake president still repeated that I needed to be more tolerant. I have also felt multiple times that I should stop having sex with my husband. And recently it has gotten stronger, when this was brought up he told me that I needed to continue having sex. (At this period my husband was still acting out frequently) also he strongly counseled that we move back into the same room together because that is what God wants.
I moved out of the same room because of my discomfort at night when he would touch me while I slept. Again - intimate sexual touching- I am fine with normal touching.
I explained that I felt scared and had struggled with sleep for years because of the regular violation I would feel most nights, if not several times a night. I asked my husband to not do it, and he insists it is involuntary.
As a result of listening to this counsel I have become very depressed and feelings of me not being of value have resulted. It hit a low when I started considering suicide. I woke up at that point and after a lot of prayer asked my husband to leave again. He hasn't, so instead I have moved back into a seperate room, and am starting to feel peace again. And this time I am not going to talk to my stake president.
I recently heard from a friend that some other stake presidents in our area were told to stop counseling women in these situations to have sex. Yet this still happened to me. I am writing this in hopes that you will readdress this issue. And please make it more public this time! Women like me deserved to hear that we were ok for following the impressions God gave us! He loves us too! But in every meeting with the stake president I was the one told to tolerate, and do more, my husband was told "good job" for making it 2 weeks. He never counseled my husband to have tolerance OF ME, to support ME as I healed. The women are in pain who's husbands are in addictions. During other counsel I felt the spirit while he spoke, but when he counseled me to move back in, tolerate more, and allow him to touch me - I did not feel the spirit. He should have counseled with God before advising me. I was coming to him to help me to follow the impressions I had received. Instead I felt like he was telling me I was wrong, in fact when I asked him straight out if he was saying my impression was wrong he avoided answering completely. When I asked him directly about my impressions he side skirted the issue.
Please help address this. And if nothing else could you have it announced at the 12 step meetings for the spouses? These priesthood brethren have hurt so many woman in private, and they are not being apologized to in private, or public, it is being put under the rug in such a way that only if we have family or friends in the stake priesthood meetings would we even know that someone even cared to do anything
Thankyou for listening.
, idaho
Sent from my iPad
This absolutely breaks my heart. I'm so sorry that you had to go through this experience. I've had such a different experience with my Stake President and I feel even more grateful now. I wonder if this is something you should even send to as high as the First Presidency? I really don't know when that is appropriate, but you clearly can't send it to the Stake Level. I know the First Presidency get sad letters about wives of porn addicts, so it doesn't seem wrong to send it to them, especially because I feel like there is an honest and humble spirit to the letter. I don't know though. Mostly I just know I feel badly that you had to go through that experience. How horrible. :( Unfortunately this problem is getting bigger in the church it seems and it is good for them to understand it all. The sexual relationship between a husband and wife is so sacred. I still can't believe a Priesthood leader would say something like that to you. It's also sad that he completely invalidated your promptings like that. I know they are human, but wow. I'm glad you felt the Spirit in other things he said though, so that it hasn't just been a terrible experience. :( :( :( *hugs*
ReplyDeleteIs there an address or email I can send it to? I have searched for a couple hours online and can't find anything. I agree it is getting worse, and I feel like some brethren don't understand how hard it is, there have been meetings in our area to train and teach the leadership about it, but from what I've heard it is optional, and it appears our leadership is opting out. It needs to be taken more seriously
DeleteI have no idea. I doubt it is "easy" to send things straight to them, actually. Maybe you could send it to your area authority? I'm not sure how to figure out who that is though... -MM
DeleteExactly. I was thinking of asking my bishop tomorrow? I was hoping to send it without going through my local leaders. There is also part of me considering giving a copy to the stake president. I am not sure whether or not it is a good idea. I felt strongly to do it, but I am not 100% sure it is an impression and not just my desire for .... Something.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you can look at your motives. What is motivating you to do it? Is it to get your Stake President in "trouble?" Is it to find out for yourself if your impressions are true? Is it to help others who may also get advice that can be hurtful or damaging? When I first found out about my husband's acting out and lying while serving in the Bishopric and beforehand I really wanted to go to the Stake President. But I realized that my motives were not all pure. I realized that I was also motivated by wanting my husband to be "punished" for what he had done and I didn't feel like the Bishop was taking it seriously enough. It was hard to finally let myself just give that up (with prayer and God's help). And then, out of nowhere, my Stake President approached me! And he ended up finding out what was going on , but it wasn't because of anything I said. It was a beautiful experience and I know it was because I turned things over to God. I'm so grateful that I didn't go to the Stake President with the wrong intentions and that by the time he came to me, I was in a better place. Anyway, I am not sure that is helpful, but for me, looking to my motives helps me make better decisions, even though it is hard. -MM
DeleteSOOOOO sad for you to have experienced this. I am so happy though that you are trusting your personal relationship with God though---I feel that is the THE THING to have in life. And while that usually is compatible with having a good relationship with church authority, I'm learning more and more that sometimes that just isn't the case. :( So I don't really know about how to get your letter to the First Presidency or the like, but I think a good shot may be to send it addressed to a specific member of the First Presidency (or some other leader you may feel comfortable with) at the Church Office Building, which is 50 East North Temple Street, Salt Lake City UT (sorry was going to find the ZIP for you but at a hotel and internet is not fast enough right now). ~Victorywillwait
ReplyDeleteIn the new handbook from the church it states that leaders should ask the wife, "what can we do to help/support you?". So i do believe the church is understanding the need to address this issue differently than in the past...just sounds like your sp isn't "up to date". The only advice our stake president gave, was to tell my husband to "serve me". That is a nice thought, but 10 years late my husband still has a problem and has not participated in any type of recovery. I don't blame the sp, he is human. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI have thought that many times, and at stake conference a few weeks ago I heard him bear testimony about personal revelation, and promptings he had had in regards to some boys wanting to serve missions. And the spirit testified to me that he did haves testimony of revelation, and did have the ability to feel the spirit. But that in my case he treated us as a "family" instead of individuals. And I was reminded again that Christ didn't bless the children as a group. He blessed them one by one. I was reminded that the SPres is human, and he is not comfortable with what I was sharing with him. And didn't look or was open to receiving revelation from God for me. I also had a very strong feeling to share these thoughts with him, I asked God very specifically if he wanted me to share that day, I felt that I was ok to share, or wait. I then asked God to have the stake president come to me. And felt peace that was ok to wait till our next "chance visit" I feel a lot more peace in this area after these revelations.
DeleteThankyou for your replies!