I was doing good, really good. And some new women came who's husbands had gone one step further then mine and had affairs. A couple times. I judged them...... Why? Because I would have left. Or so I think. I also thought I would leave if he started viewing porn again.
And after a few months they were doing great! And I still wasn't! I have gone to counseling for years for depression and an eating disorder. Most women who come in I am able to help. And I couldn't help these women. Their challenges were bigger then mine. And they were doing great.
I started hating going to group because I compared myself to them and was disgusted with myself because my husband hadn't acted out for X number of months, and I was still struggling. Theirs was still acting out regularly and they were staying in their marriage.
The impressions I had Gotten so far were to go toward seperation and they were still having regular sex and affection! When I shared how I felt I should withdraw - if I stayed and talked after group - I was advised to not withhold sex because we both need sex.
And I listened.
And I stopped going to group.
I went again this last week - twice- and it felt so good to be back with a group of women who understand my pain. And yes it happened again. The advice to continue having sex. And I replied this time with "I've heard that my whole life, I won't forget that sex is healthy. And there is this woman on a blog I'm reading that has gone a year and she is healthy, and they are happy."
I will be ok. And one day maybe ill be ok watching them be so happy without being so judgemental toward myself.
I'm sorry.....
I'm so surprised that the women have been giving you that advice! I guess I can understand that for some women that is how they feel, but I have met so many who stop having sex and it is ok. I agree that both man and wife need sex, or at least it can be a positive thing. But with a sex addiction thrown in, it can be unhealthy and traumatic. I try to make sure I'm not withholding it to punish him or anything like that. But when I am withholding it to help myself heal (and lift the burden I am carrying that should be my husband's) and I communicate that to my husband, I feel much happier. I feel like a weight is lifted when I don't have to push my feelings aside and let things be mechanical and leave me feeling empty. I don't think that is how sex is meant to be. And even if my husband doesn't understand why we aren't having sex (though I think he actually does, which is surprising), it can still be the right choice. You are doing so good to recognize that the right choice for you may be different than what the right choice is for someone else. I think I have found the greatest strength in my recovery when I try to be in tune to what is the right answer for ME and MY situation - when I try to turn to God for the answers. I wish I could say I am in that mode 100% of the time, but I am not. Still, I'm grateful that I have experienced that at times. You are doing great! I look forward to watching your journey unfold and learning from you!
ReplyDeleteAs an addict, I think MM's answer sounds right. I too am looking forward to seeing how you find peace, and I'm sure you will.
ReplyDeleteWhen sex is the drug of choice for someone who struggles with addiction, it can be very hard to separate what is healthy and what is not. Trust your gut...i.e., trust the Spirit. Heavenly Father knows you and your situation perfectly. He will guide you.
ReplyDeleteAlso, fwiw, this quote is in the Church's guide for parents about teaching about intimacy. I think it can be relevant to ponder in the situation when addiction is present as well.
"The intimate relationship between husband and wife realizes its greatest value when it is based on loving kindness and tenderness between the marriage partners. This fact, supported by valid research data, helps newly married couples recognize that the so-called sex drive is mostly myth. Sexual intimacy is not an involuntary, strictly biological necessity for survival, like breathing and eating. Sexual intimacy between a husband and wife can be delayed or even suspended for long periods of time with no negative effect (for example, when the health [and to me that could include emotional health] of one or the other requires it). Husbands and wives are not compelled to mate because their genes or hormones order them to do so. Sexual powers are voluntary and controllable; the heart and mind do rule."
When addiction is present, that last statement is often not applicable, and so that makes sorting through what is right all the more difficult....because the brain chemistry is affected by the addiction, the mind craves the drug in ways that are not agency-driven. It can often take 12-18 months of sobriety for that brain chemistry to change.
It's ok if things take time, and as MM says, if your answer looks different from others'. The Spirit will help you. Trust His guidance!
We also posted an article related to this topic a while back. FWIW. http://www.hopeandhealinglds.com/2012/05/29/myths-about-mens-sexuality/
Thank you, you have given me a lot to think about, and Thankyou for the quote
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