But the point of my story right now is - I promised my husband I'd wait a year before making any drastic decisions. And I did. It's been a year.
When there is an emergency you go into emergency mode. I saw the fire, I identified it as pornography. And believed if it would just go away we would be fine. I didn't think I enabled him this time. I swore I was not being codependent this time.
But in looking back I see I was in emergency mode and wanted the fire put out, and he has been "sober" for 8 months now. But for the last 8 months I've still been on constant fire watch. I never took care of me, and I gradually got sicker and sicker from lack of sleep, and nourishment. I've gained 20 lbs, lost muscle tone, and have created new stress triggers, and insecurities. When we hit the one year mark someone asked me if I was happy. That opened the floodgates..... And started the rough road of trying to take care of me now. He had his year. Now I get mine. And I guess I get to see if he is willing to stick around
I'm glad you are giving YOURSELF a year. It's so hard to learn to detach, I'm still learning it myself and I find myself cycling through codependency again and again, but at least I can start to see it for what it is now. But I am happiest when I focus on myself because I don't have control over him and I only feel helpless...because I am. I don't even know if "happiest" is the right word, but like one of your other posts said, that is when I am most "at peace." Welcome to the blogging world. I have found that recording my feelings brings me great comfort and clarity. Sometimes I feel stressed about what I write, but I am only writing my feelings and whether they are valid or not, writing them out is what I need.
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