A year ago I talked a lot. To everyone who happened to ask the right questions. It felt so good to talk. But then as he stopped acting out I started to feel guilty talking. Then I started to feel damaged because I still hurt, but he wasn't acting out. Then I wondered if was making up reasons to point the finger at him so that I could have a reason to still talk about it. I am still hurting. A year later I didn't think I should still be hurting like this. Especially if he had stopped looking at porn.
There are things he still does/says that trigger me all the time. A few weeks ago I started having nightmares - dreams about experiences that happened years ago with my husband. I found if I slept on the couch I stopped having those nightmares. This has led to me moving into a seperate rooms nd bed again.
Now I feel guilt over being in seperate rooms because "there is nothing wrong" and I am crying wolf when there is nothing wrong.
I want out of this marriage because I am tired of feeling like "there is nothing wrong" when I feel like there is something dreadfully wrong with me.
My Stake President used an analogy that I liked. My husband was frustrated that I wasn't "over it" already because he had stopped. And my Stake President used this analogy to describe how I was feeling:
ReplyDeleteAssume that S had an affair with a woman at the office and then he stopped. And he said, "I've stopped seeing that woman. Yes, she's still at the office, but I'm not having an affair anymore, it's all good. I'm done, you should get over it."
It just doesn't work like that. Trust takes time to rebuild. And it takes consistency and proving that they are doing things to prevent and change. Mostly though, I think it takes time. It's taken YEARS for our husbands to get where they are. I believe it will take time for them to truly change (though they can make small changes, and hopefully are), rebuild our trust, and for our relationship to fully be healed. I don't mean that to be depressing, but hopefully it helps validate how you are feeling. Now I'm just rambling...
Not rambling! I really appreciated this comment then - and again tonight I appreciated it. Thankyou
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