Routine of pleasing him.....

I watched myself go through the motions of wanting to please my husband. Then watch as given a break the motions disappeared. I'm not sure how to prevent myself from falling into patterns again.

I can't feel the spirit while in the motions. I hear all the counsel I've ever received about how sex is healthy in marriage, and we both need it. I feel neutral. So I do it. Then afterwards I feel void and sad that I gave in again. I am not happy, I am not fulfilled.

Then the cycle repeats itself. Usually this cycle is initiated by me not my husband. I initiate the sex, I feel happy,or mildly excited about the idea of sex. But afterwards I regret it. I wonder if it comes of 11+ years of being at his becon call because I believed that it helped ease his addiction. And in the last 2 years I was trying to only do it if I was ok with it. So if I even felt mildly ok with it I would initiate. I am not sure i would recognize what actually wanting sex would look like.

I am thankful that we start counseling this week. So very thankful.

Why I stopped going to group

I was doing good, really good. And some new women came who's husbands had gone one step further then mine and had affairs. A couple times. I judged them...... Why? Because I would have left. Or so I think. I also thought I would leave if he started viewing porn again.

And after a few months they were doing great! And I still wasn't! I have gone to counseling for years for depression and an eating disorder. Most women who come in I am able to help. And I couldn't help these women. Their challenges were bigger then mine. And they were doing great.

I started hating going to group because I compared myself to them and was disgusted with myself because my husband hadn't acted out for X number of months, and I was still struggling. Theirs was still acting out regularly and they were staying in their marriage.

The impressions I had Gotten so far were to go toward seperation and they were still having regular sex and affection! When I shared how I felt I should withdraw - if I stayed and talked after group - I was advised to not withhold sex because we both need sex.

And I listened.

And I stopped going to group.

I went again this last week - twice- and it felt so good to be back with a group of women who understand my pain. And yes it happened again. The advice to continue having sex. And I replied this time with "I've heard that my whole life, I won't forget that sex is healthy. And there is this woman on a blog I'm reading that has gone a year and she is healthy, and they are happy."

I will be ok. And one day maybe ill be ok watching them be so happy without being so judgemental toward myself.

I'm sorry.....

A good night. Nice after such a long week :)

Wow, tonight was actually good! I asked my husband what he was doing to help our marriage (have I mentioned we start our second time with marriage counseling soon? With a counselor who specializes in helping couples where pornography has been an issue)

His response was that he was watching what I wanted to do with our family and trying to support me with it. Tonight for example I was exhausted and didn't have it in me to wrestle a bunch of kids and have scriptures - so I didn't even suggest it. He called the kids in for scriptures before bed.

We talked a little bit about my struggles. Very brief. And then I felt very close to him and suggested being intimate.... He said no. He said that he didn't believe I was healed enough to do that yet. I was suddenly very attracted to him! This is the man I fell in love with. This is the man I want to stay married to. The man who cares more about me healing then the fact that he hasn't released in 2 weeks.

He also shared how he makes sure to log off the Internet on his iPad after the kids go to bed, and he turns on conference talks to fall asleep to.

This has been a nice night. - and I feel just fine sleeping in a separate bed tonight, supported, loved and safe sleeping in my own bed.

Thank you Lord for good days!

My story

I knew before we got married. But thought it would go away when he had the real thing.

I found out shortly after we  got married - I caught him. But instead of facing him I looked at myself trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Tried to change everything about me to fit his desires.

A few years later I was told by someone I trusted that my husband didn't have an addiction.

So I told him it was between him and God and I was going to stop worrying about it.

Fast forward several years. I feel unsatisfied in my marriage, I feel like it is falling apart at the seams, I am doing everything I have been taught in church and by friends and family to save my marriage. Finally as a last resort we go to marriage counseling.

After a few sessions my husband confesses to still viewing pornography. And doesn't see why it matters.

He moves out for a short time, he begs to come back home showing what I thought was true remorse.

I promise to wait a year.

He has now been sober for 8 months (he says) and I am in a worse state then I was a year ago. (I think) but I could be wrong.  I want to heal. I want to heal and not worry about how it effects him when don't want to have sex very often or at all right now. I want to be focused on my healing instead of fear of him regressing.

We start counseling again soon- this time with a marriage counselor who specializes in sexual addiction. And this time around I have got my own counselor who specializes in the same thing!

So I am actually pretty happy underneath it all:)

I started teaching my little ones to pray this week :) and read scriptures. I decided to be done waiting for him to do it with me. I will do it alone, and invite him if I want, or not. And try to find joy and peace regardless.
Thanks for reading. Is nice to talk again :)

When I feel peace

I feel peace:
when I stop looking at the future.
When I look at right now and see how I am fine right now
When I stop thinking about how my husband feels and instead let it go and work on me.

Crying wolf

A year ago I talked a lot. To everyone who happened to ask the right questions. It felt so good to talk. But then as he stopped acting out I started to feel guilty talking. Then I started to feel damaged because I still hurt, but he wasn't acting out. Then I wondered if was making up reasons to point the finger at him so that I could have a reason to still talk about it. I am still hurting. A year later I didn't think I should still be hurting like this. Especially if he had stopped looking at porn.

There are things he still does/says that trigger me all the time. A few weeks ago I started having nightmares - dreams about experiences that happened years ago with my husband. I found if I slept on the couch I stopped having those nightmares. This has led to me moving into a seperate rooms nd bed again.

Now I feel guilt over being in seperate rooms because "there is nothing wrong" and I am crying wolf when there is nothing wrong.

I want out of this marriage because I am tired of feeling like "there is nothing wrong" when I feel like there is something dreadfully wrong with me.

I don't want to talk about it. Yet that's all I want to talk about.

I am not ready to share my whole story. I want this to be anonymous. 

But the point of my story right now is - I promised my husband I'd wait a year before making any drastic decisions. And I did. It's been a year.

When there is an emergency you go into emergency mode. I saw the fire, I identified it as pornography. And believed if it would just go away we would be fine. I didn't think I enabled him this time. I swore I was not being codependent this time. 

But in looking back I see I was in emergency mode and wanted the fire put out, and he has been "sober" for 8 months now. But for the last 8 months I've still been on constant fire watch. I never took care of me, and I gradually got sicker and sicker from lack of sleep, and nourishment. I've gained 20 lbs, lost muscle tone, and have created new stress triggers, and insecurities. When we hit the one year mark someone asked me  if I was happy. That opened the floodgates..... And started the rough road of trying to take care of me now. He had his year. Now I get mine. And I guess I get to see if he is willing to stick around