figureing out how to be annonymous.

so i created this account so i could be annonymous, and wanted to be able to email people too, without it being connected to anything - apparently i did it wrong, and cant find where to change it, so instead i will be starting a new blog, the name will be similar, as will be my name, so hopefully i can find everyone again, and reconnect. 2nd times a charm :)

Favorite songs right now

Catch my breath - KellyClarkson
Diamonds - Rihanna
Wide awake - Katy Perry
Hey mama - Mat Kearney

I am loving being able to hear a testimony (in whatever form) just like at group - here. Honest sharing is so good to hear, in all it forms. I love that God gave us the 12 step program. I love that the Internet exists and I can connect and read from so many women - and not be alone anymore. Thankyou for being willing to share. Thankyou for being there.

Help! Where do I send this?

I am not sure who to send this to, but I have felt strongly this morning that this letter needs written.

My husband has an addiction to pornography. I have received the impression several times to seperate, if not divorce him. As of yet I have also felt peace that God will support me while still live together.

Several months ago when my husband and I were visiting with our stake president I was counseled to be more tolerant. This was in regards to me saying he needed to ask before touching me. I explained that this Boundary had nothing to do with my hands, shoulders, waist, or face, it had to do with him. Touching me in intimate places, any time he wanted. The stake president still repeated that I needed to be more tolerant. I have also felt multiple times that I should stop having sex with my husband. And recently it has gotten stronger, when this was brought up he told me that I needed to continue having sex. (At this period my husband was still acting out frequently) also he strongly counseled that we move back into the same room together because that is what God wants.

I moved out of the same room because of my discomfort at night when he would touch me while I slept. Again - intimate sexual touching- I am fine with normal touching.

I explained that I felt scared and had struggled with sleep for years because of the regular violation I would feel most nights, if not several times a night. I asked my husband to not do it, and he insists it is involuntary.

As a result of listening to this counsel I have become very depressed and feelings of me not being of value have resulted. It hit a low when I started considering suicide. I woke up at that point and after a lot of prayer asked my husband to leave again. He hasn't, so instead I have moved back into a seperate room, and am starting to feel peace again. And this time I am not going to talk to my stake president. 

I recently heard from a friend that some other stake presidents in our area were told to stop counseling women in these situations to have sex. Yet this still happened to me. I am writing this in hopes that you will readdress this issue.  And please make it more public this time! Women like me deserved to hear that we were ok for following the impressions God gave us! He loves us too! But in every meeting with the stake president I was the one told to tolerate, and do more, my husband was told "good job" for making it 2 weeks. He never counseled my husband to have tolerance OF ME, to support ME as I healed. The women are in pain who's husbands are in addictions. During other counsel I felt the spirit while he spoke, but when he counseled me to move back in, tolerate more, and allow him to touch me - I did not feel the spirit. He should have counseled with God before advising me. I was coming to him to help me to follow the impressions I had received. Instead I felt like he was telling me I was wrong, in fact when I asked him straight out if he was saying my impression was wrong he avoided answering completely. When I asked him directly about my impressions he side skirted the issue. 

Please help address this. And if nothing else could you have it announced at the 12 step meetings for the spouses? These priesthood brethren have hurt so many woman in private, and they are not being apologized to in private, or public, it is being put under the rug in such a way that only if we have family or friends in the stake priesthood meetings would we even know that someone even cared to do anything
Thankyou for listening.

, idaho

Sent from my iPad

Thankful

Last night at the last minute I went to group, called a friend on the way and that made 2 of us there! There was a comment made by the facilitator about being thankful, and that the more you are thankful the more you will be blessed. I wonder if it more that you are more aware, not neccissarily blessed more. Either way I started thinking about the last week, and I am so incredibly thankful!

I am thankful I missed my appointment because it made me try harder, and I was able to hear priceless impressions I needed

I am so thankful that when my son had an accident this morning it was on tile instead of carpet

I am so thankful for wonderful comments that have given me support and insites I have been looking for

I am so thankful for the guidance to make dinner the night before so that this morning I knew I would have a hot meal tonight.

I am so thankful for the unrequested help I got yesterday at work, so when I got there today I didn't have to stress

I am so thankful for a daycare my kids love and that I can trust to take care of my kids

I am so thankful for the revelations I received today about my relationship.

I am so thankful for Gods love for me and his infinit patience.

And yes, I am so thankful for the dozens of little things, like yesterday I was going into work and as I got out of my car I had the thought to grab my grey water bottle instead of my violet one. The grey one has an odor that I can't get out.   I crossed the parking lot and it slipped out of my hands and shattered the top. --- if I had had my violet one I would have broke one I liked, as it is I was almost happy it fell cuz I can finally justify throwing it away!

I am so happy today!

Who is my God?

As I sat tonight and stressed about my husband, while working through my latest impressions. ... I had this thought hit me so hard "who is your God?"

And He is right, while stressing so much about how my husband will feel - instead of God. I am making it very clear who my God is in the moment.. Something to think about.

The thought that keeps me there.

If I had just done something (differently) they wouldn't have to be in so much pain.

I am sooooooo codependent

I am still struggling to feel the spirit. Not as much as I was a few weeks ago, I guess more then anything I feel so much stress I can't feel the spirit as clearly. But when the stress clears I can feel him there. It is nice.

I've thought a lot the last couple days about my feelings toward the other women in group. How they came in and I felt proud of where I was in comparison to them. (Please don't judge me for speaking candidly) I had been in counseling for several years and felt very thankful that I had such a head start on them. But within a few months they pass me. By leaps and bounds.... Today while thinking about it I had this idea come to me, when these woman entered their situation most of them weren't codependent. The codependency I saw was fresh, maybe just a few years.  Some had been there longer, but most it was fairly new the level of codependency.

I have been codependent since I was a young child in an abusive home. My survival depended on making those around me happy. Because if they weren't happy we weren't fed. And there were several children in my family, and I was one of the oldest. I felt very strongly the need to take care of them, I would cover their mistakes, do their chores, lay credit to them that they didn't earn so that the food was there for all of us.

I remember the joy of getting married and I think for a few weeks I wasn't as bad as I was for 15+ years. But when the addiction showed up I took on my role full force again.

So these woman I see come out after a few months roaring like lions!  They were strong responsible woman I believe before the addiction, or if they were codependent it wasn't to the depth mine is. They had memories of taking care of themselves. Most of them have family support. My family turned their backs on me when I reached out for help, his family let me know they thought I was
wrong, and went so far as to let me know they believed it was my fault. That if I didn't have so many "issues" from my abusive childhood he never would have continued in his addiction after marriage.

Then there are the woman I see who struggle as long and hard as me. Have you read twilight? The last book where Bella has to find the edge of her talent? And she struggles to find it so she can stretch it and control it?  I have never felt the edge, I am not even sure what I am looking for. This is terrifying for me. My survival has been dependant on being codependent. It has been my addiction, my companion. I survived by always monitoring other people's moods.

I knew I was codependent. I had no idea it was this bad. And it scares me. I cave so easily.

Thankfully, I have counseling tomorrow :)  and I keep praying God will inspire her as to what to say to help me find the edges of this talent - for in God our weaknesses can become our strengths.
Goodnight,

New year

So tonight as I started to work out of my 12 step book I felt strongly that what I needed to do was first post on here, so here I am!

I wanted to share what I am doing right now, kinda like New Years resolutions, but has nothing to do with January 1st.

- I am praying at night with my babies, I have 2 children under the age of 5,
- doing a genuine scripture study with all my kids involved (I have 5 kids)
- implementing a bedtime routine, doing a quick clean in the house, with a reward that if we do it faster then the time we set, we will use the extra time to play a family game
- I am reading 3 stories to my babies, brushing teeth with them, praying with them, then cuddling for 30 seconds
- I am getting up from the table at dinner time when I am full, and spending the rest of "their" dinner time preparing my meals and the dinner for the next day. This is showing me that I count too.
- I changed my children's daycare so that I can pick them up every day at 5 on the nose. So I can spend some quality time with them. I was a stay at home mom till this year. When everything came out he made comments about leaving and never looking back - thus I am in school right now and making myself able to do whatever it takes to take care of my family - and I really miss my kids!
- my goal starting tomorrow is to find something I can do with my older kids everyday after I pick them up. We should have an hour before my husband gets home. I want some good quality time...
- at nights after everyone is in bed I am spending my time studying out of my 12 step book, and other good books.

Right now my husband is distant and it makes me anxious. But I am trying to let go and let God. I sits hard. Codependency dies hard. But I am trying to trust God to take care of my husband. And if our marriage survives I will love it. But I don't want it to survive in the state it is in. I want more. So for now I am going to kill my own buffalo, and pull my own wagon. I am ready to be a pioneer woman :)

Happy new year!

So far it's been a great year!

So far it's been a great year!

I haven't yelled at my kids at all this year, I haven't acted out in my eating disorder, I haven't overspent, I haven't workout yet either.... I should work on that this year :)

After my revelation a couple days ago I have been in a different mode in my head. There has been no draw to make my husband feel better at all. I have had my normal codependent thoughts about making him feel better, but have had no inclination to do anything with the thoughts.

I don't remember if I explained it thoroughly or not. But I'd like to explain it again anyway....  Cuz I can :) cuz if anyone reading gets bored they can always stop reading :) love it!

Anyway

A few days ago after talking to my husband I felt the move to initiate sex. He said he didn't believe I was healthy enough. After some flirting on my part he continued to be firm and I ended with asking if we could just cuddle. He agreed and I went to put on my pjs in my room. Once in my room with the door shut the "cloud" went away. I didn't feel this movement to have sex. I was fine I was fine.  Can I say that again because it hits me hard how strong that feeling was I WAS FINE.  And it kinda floored me. I wasn't aware of being in this "cloud". I call it a cloud because I couldn't see it. I wasn't aware of what I was even doing. (I never came out of my room. I think in my post I said that I was just fine sleeping in my own bed....)

I felt very safe the next morning and shared with my husband how thankful I was that he would support me like that. I expressed how safe it made me feel that even though I couldn't protect myself because I wasn't aware of it being fiction - he protected me. I told him that I didn't figure he could guarantee it all the time but that I appreciated it last night. He commenced to say he couldn't guarantee it, in fact we should leave his room right now.

And I haven't felt the draw to help him since. Help being make him feel better, smooth his feelings, fix things..... Like when he hasn't done what he needs to do I am not picking up the slack.

I have also bought a new book for myself called "codependent no more" and so far she is talking about me to a T. I also bought a fresh copy of the 12 step program and started it fresh last night. I am also reading" he delivered me from bondage" and another book by the Harrison's.

I am happy, and if I let go for a minute I feel terrified at how I am not taking care of my husband. Terror at what will happen, then I regroup, find the spirit and feel immense love for myself again,

This is my year. And it is off to a fabulous start!